For a long time, I’ve considered myself to have good self-esteem. Which is why it was surprising to find out that there simultaneously existed within me a notable lack of self-esteem. How could this be? On paper, I can objectively evaluate my attributes and flaws, my achievements and failures, and arrive at a rational and comfortable sense of self-worth. However, in spite of this logical self-assurance there exists a contradictory emotional reality. Looking to resolve this contradiction has led me to an interesting expansion in my understanding of what self-esteem is.

The importance of self-esteem for subjective well-being has long been established in psychological literature (Diener et al., 1999; 2015). In particular, its contributions to positive cognitive evaluations, positive affect, meaning in life, and subjective vitality. Interestingly, the extent of this causal relationship has attracted recent scepticism, in that high self-esteem correlates with, but is not the cause of, good psychological well-being (Orth & Robins, 2022). Regardless, its benefits are still evident.

My recent revelation has led me to conclude that self-esteem can exist on both rational and emotive levels, that are often, but not necessarily, aligned.

Rational Self-Esteem (RSE)

Rational self-esteem refers to the sense of self-worth gained through logical, evidence based evaluations of the self. It’s the ‘on-paper’ sense of self. 

Emotive Self-Esteem (ESE)

Emotive self-esteem, on the other hand*, is more elusive and deeply rooted. It represents the unconscious feelings of worth and acceptance that are usually shaped by early experiences and external feedback. Unlike RSE, ESE is not necessarily rooted in logic.

This distinction explains my realisation. I can rationally evaluate my worth on paper, while simultaneously feeling something different. The notion of a dichotomy between a rational and emotional mind is common in psychology, but applying this distinction to self-esteem opens up a novel pathway of understanding.

*This is certainly no binary, and there’s definitely overlap between the two concepts. Improving either will improve both, damage to either is damage to both. However, they can also both exist independently of one another. 

What is Emotive Self-Esteem?

I’ll expand on the definition of ESE, as RSE is more intuitive.

Emotive self-esteem is mostly unconscious

The foundations of ESE lie in our early experiences. Most importantly, the positive and negative interactions we had with caregivers that led to internalised beliefs about our worth. These result in the unconscious understandings of the self that stay with us, unless resolved, through life. These more fundamental frameworks interact with RSE by informing the context within which we rationally reflect on ourselves.

For example, think of the child that grew up with parents who criticised them often for not being good enough, only expressing pride and validation in instances of high achievement. The child then internalises a belief that they are only as valuable as their successes. When they do achieve something, they can rationally recognise their accomplishments, but deep-rooted instability within their felt knowledge about their worth means that same childhood feeling of inadequacy remains, leaving the all-too-common feeling of not being good enough.

Or the child who grew up in an unloving house internalising feelings of low worth and unlovability. They may constantly seek validation from others due to a lack of self-assurance within ESE. Even when given the rational awareness of others’ love, the lack of emotive self-esteem means they lack the assurance to really feel that love.

These are on the nose examples, but the foundations of our self-esteem will be rooted in whatever our early experiences are with feeling self-worth, both positive and negative. Our RSE comes later, but unless resolved, will be informed by the early construction of our ESE. I believe that many of our present psychological issues are the result of these contradictions between conscious and unconscious understandings of the self.

ESE is more unstable, and more influenced by external events

ESE is inherently more unstable than rational self-esteem because of its basis in these early, less rational emotional experiences, and their subsequent unconscious internalisation. A negative comment, perceived slight, or negative life event can trigger deeply ingrained feelings of a lack of worth regardless of our rational interpretation of the situation. The evidence basis for RSE means it can be steadier.

This doesn’t mean that RSE is necessarily better than ESE – much anxiety and depression is built on rational logic. A person may rationally conclude, by focussing on negative evidence and ignoring positive evidence, that they are not capable, or not good enough. It’s just the framework through which that person assesses the evidence rationally is negatively skewed. This skew may derive from ESE issues that distort and bias self-examination.

On realising my lack of emotive, but not rational self-esteem, I started to explore how to observe and engage more positively with my emotional self-esteem.

Improving ESE

In order to work with our ESE, its first important to identify how unconscious beliefs and emotions may be manifesting in the present. These won’t just reveal themselves, they have to be discovered, and this takes practice and patience.

Identifying the Emergence of ESE

Writing about feelings, thoughts, when they occur and the trigger that caused them, is a great place to start. I practiced this while doing some CBT (Fig A) and found it really interesting when patterns I’d never expected started emerging. It’s also the most empirically verified method of improving self-esteem (Dat et al., 2022).

Fig A. The format I used to journal.

By becoming aware of why and how negative self-esteem feelings emerge, they can then be engaged with, challenged, and transitioned from an unstable, unconscious aspect of ESE into more rational and stable aspects of RSE.

Continuing the earlier example about the child who never feels they’ve accomplished enough. They’re out with friends. Someone else says a mindless comment about their accomplishments that for most people would go unnoticed, but it doesn’t sit right with them. In the moment, they rationalise it out: ‘I’ve accomplished x and y, that comment isn’t valid’, or, ‘it likely comes from the other person’s issues, not mine.’ However, if more deep-rooted, subconscious issues with emotive self-esteem are triggered, the undermining of self-worth will happen and eventually manifest regardless of the rationalisation of the experience. They may feel sad later on, may lash out at others, may question their decisions and lifestyle, etc., without ever knowing what caused these behaviours and feelings.

Journalling offers the unique opportunity to identify when longer-term patterns emerge, and trace them back to how and why they were formed. If you notice that you are frequently triggered by others’ comments and behaviours regarding a specific aspect of yourself, this may lead you to the reasons from early life that may have led to this specific lack of self-esteem. Using our example, ‘I can see that I often interpret others’ opinions of my achievements negatively and am trying to prove myself to them, I can tie this to how I always strained to receive external validation from my parents’.

Challenging ESE

Identifying the pattern is only one step. It must be challenged to be minimised. Recognise first that the pattern developed as a coping mechanism in childhood. ‘As a child, I didn’t have the tools to develop a rational internal validation, so I tied my sense of self-worth to others’ opinions of me and interactions with me.’ Then the rationality of this internalisation can be challenged. ‘As an adult, I now have the tools to determine my own self-worth. My parents’ inability to affirm my worth was a limitation of their own, not a valid reflection of my value.’

Applying this type of reflection to whatever self-esteem issues may arise will minimise how real and visceral they feel, but it takes practice. Eventually, you will notice when your ESE has been triggered before it’s had a chance to fully affect you or your behaviour, and you are able to replace automatic, self-critical feelings with more rational and supportive ones. Importantly, this must be done in a compassionate way, seeking to acknowledge and accept the structures of the self as mechanisms of protection, rather than seen as mistakes to fix or flaws to correct.

Even with practice, the triggering of issues within ESE will occur from time to time. However, over time the negative impact of a triggered ESE will lessen, and your evaluation of yourself become more grounded, and more stable.

From a neuroscientific perspective, the neuroplasticity of the brain means these old automatic mechanisms can be rewired. It’s possible to literal alter the physical structure of your brain through thought. One may, semi-arbitrarily, assign ESE to the ventromedial prefrontal cortex and RSE to the ventrolateral prefrontal cortex – both areas that inform our understanding of self and conscious engagement with experience, but that operate in different neurological realms, the former in higher-order thought, the latter in more primitive emotional processes.

Maintaining Engagement with ESE

The process described above is a significant component of most therapy. The pattern-identifying aspect is core to CBT, while the challenging of unconscious, early developed beliefs is core to psychodynamic therapy. Engaging in this process alongside a therapist will really help to identify patterns in your thought and behaviour. Sometimes the experience of a feeling clouds its understanding, so having a third-party in there to help you observe can be very effective. I can testify first-hand to this.

Meditation is also effective in a different way. It helps to slow the mind down, to slow the protective mechanisms we’ve developed in our minds to guard from pain, and can offer more clarity of observation. Again, can testify first-hand to this.

So using the split understandings of RSE and ESE, how is your self-esteem? How do you think about yourself, and how do you feel about yourself? Are they the same?